All I Want for Christmas

... is Vincent Gallo's sperm.

I kid, I kid.

But good lord in heaven, is he serious?

Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration.

If I didn't think that the whole point of this exercise was to get people talking about him, I would further address Mr. Gallo's issues. The (lengthy, run-on) paragraph describing the potential transaction of sperm from seller to buyer is a treasure trove of humor which one can only hope is intentional. With Vincent Gallo, you just never know.