An open letter to my fellow commuters

Dear People on the Subway:

You seem like nice people, for the most part; really, you do. Except for you folks who have your cell phone ringers set to "In Da Club," because that shit is unforgiveable. Anyway, you're good folks. That's why it upsets me so to see the clothes you wear every day. Witness:

Ugg boots. Those were in style for about 20 minutes, 2 years ago. First Pam Anderson wore them, and then Marlon Brando wore them. With a muumuu. In a wheelchair. Then they were declared officially over. Stop wearing them. They are ugg-ly.

• Chain wallets. These do not make you a badass. If you're not a biker or a bouncer or working in a leather bar, there is no reason to wear one. A good pickpocket can take a tie from around your neck without you realizing, so I doubt a chain wallet is going to pose much of a challenge, Killer.
• Camouflage outfits. A shirt or pants separately is one thing. But a whole outfit just makes you look like you're plotting a takedown. Save it for when you get drafted.
• Multiple bags. Do you really need a backpack and a giant suitcase of a purse? Consolidate - it looks much tidier and you'll look a lot less "Cracker Factory"/OCD. Special dispensation given to people carrying a separate lunchbag; thriftiness has its rewards.
• Sneakers with a suit. I'm courting danger here, because this is something Booby does (sorry, honey). Are men's shoes so uncomfortable that you need to wear sneakers? Last I checked, men's shoes are not the foot binders that women's high heels tend to be. And ladies, I understand your need to be comfortable on your commute. But there is a whole world of flats and low heels out there.There's even a line called Cloudwalkers. They're wonderful. Buy a pair in black; they'll go with everything.
• Mid-length coats with mid-calf skirts. These make you look like a segmented bug, or perhaps a tapeworm. It's worse than white shoes after Labor Day. Choose the short coat that hits you at the hip, or choose the long coat that hits below the skirt. The mid-length coat has no place in this equation.
• The puffy coat. Why? Do you need to look bigger than you are? Do you want to look like Missy Elliot in that "Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)" video, which was long before she went on a diet and got all skinny and cute? I didn't think so. It's been a mild winter. Get a nice tailored coat that flatters you.
• Yellow "Live Strong" rubber bracelets. Can these just be over, please? And all of the knockoffs that followed? I knew it was a bad, bad thing when I saw the middle-aged Asian man wearing a purple bracelet which bore the legend: Player. I get that they support a good cause and all, but why not cut out the middleman and donate directly to the Lance Armstrong Foundation (or other high-scoring cancer charity)? It's tax-deductible, unlike the money you spend on merchandise. Check out the Charity Navigator to see how Lance stacks up (hint: he's doing a better job than the folks at The Cancer Fund of America).
• Brightly colored Wellington boots. Unless it's flooding, or you are gardening in a swamp, you don't need these. Consider, for a moment, why you have seen them on all the sales racks. I know, they're cute. But they're cute in that two-Pippi-Longstocking-braids-are-cute-even-if-you're-over-30 way. That is to say, embarrassingly so. Resist their pull.