More fun with search tags

As I've probably mentioned before, most of the search tags that lead people to me have a variation (unsurprisingly) on the phrase "mean girl," such as "how to be a mean girl" (watch and learn, suckas!), but every so often I get a good crop of weird ones. Here's the latest:

1. my wife peed during her gyno exam I don't know about your wife, but my doctor makes me "void my bladder" prior to my exam, so I kind of can't relate to this one.
2. lee press on nails old commercial Oh, those were the best! Did I link to them somewhere? I especially liked the "active length" ones, where it showed the manicured hands typing or dialing a rotary phone. My friend J used to know a woman who couldn't take heavy secretarial jobs because of her nails. She always had a job where there was no typing that couldn't be done with the eraser-end of a pencil.
3. what does IM'd you mean in dating? Hmmm, good question. Usually, it means some little spark of interest, but it could also mean s-t-a-l-k-e-r, especially if you didn't give out your IM handle. Proceed with caution.
4. My ex call me to say he was sorry for the way things ended, does this mean he wants me back? No. It means he wants to get temporarily back into your pants. Next!
5. +"sodium stearoyl lactylate" +headache Yeah, that's the shit they put in the fake coffee creamer. It probably does give you headaches.
6. peed pants This one's a late add; the person was led unsupectingly to this page by a one-two punch of #1 and #4. And while I have many stories of pants being peed in, I decline to share them here.