Mean Girl to the Rescue!

How'm I gonna save the world when the world ain't ready?

Monday, October 23, 2006

Pregnancy myths?

Extra hair on body: check. Stomach and arms seem to have been upholstered in blonde fur.
Excellent quality of hair on head: not so much. I hear that the scalp ceases to shed, causing the hair to look full and lustrous, but I am still losing the usual amount and clogging the drains. However, remaining hair is a grease factory.

First trimester nausea: no, thank jebus. Just a ridiculously keen sense of smell that leads me to a panicky belief that the cat poop in the litter box down the hall is actually on the floor to my immediate left.
Inexplicable throwing up a little in mouth: just started. What is that about?

Pregnancy glow: only when in a good mood or consuming ice cream or salty snacks. Which of course, I do only rarely, since I'm following the What To Expect diet. Ha ha ha ha ha. As if.
Pregnancy craziness: at raging PMS proportions and beyond. Oy, my poor husband.

Bigger butt: Alas, no. I am doomed to flat butted-ness, at least for now.
Bigger boobs: Hotcha! Oy, my lucky husband!*

Speaking of pregnancy, hop on over to check out my friend Stacey, who just gave birth to her daughter, the baby formerly known as Gordita! Congratulations!

* I keep reminding him that after the miracle of breastfeeding, the girls will resemble nothing so much as a tennis ball in a gym sock (seriously, I saw it described as such somewhere, and it stuck with me). But he is in denial and refuses that such a thing could ever happen. Reality check countdown begins ... now.


At 7:20 PM, Blogger Mignon said...

Pubes taking over the lower 1/3 of my body - Check

Linea Negra - Check (actually I thought that was pretty cool, and was sad when it disappeared)

Nauseated by the What to Expect book/sham - Check check check

At 9:24 AM, Blogger Arabella said...

Leg cramps--check (WTF is up with those???)

Nails growing like a werewolf's--check

I have also heard breasts described as a "tennis sock containing a single orange." I think that came from David Sedaris. Normally, I love him, but that one cost me a good several hours of sleep.

At 10:20 AM, Anonymous Liliana said...

I spent more years lactating than I spent in high CHECK CHECK CHECK its inevitable.

But its for a good cause. In fact, I cant think of a better cause.

At 12:30 PM, Anonymous TB said...

Hair on head falling out even FASTER than before and much much drier. Like straw. Hair on legs growing like freaking Rapunzel. HATE.

Throwing up in mouth comes from the lovely indigestion and overall gassiness. I have invested in extra large bottles of Tums and Gas-X.

Have not read one single pregnacy book, although I do get Babycenter updates on line. Have heard What to Expect is ridiculous though.

Boobs - HUGEmongous and hurty.

Butt - unfortunately getting bigger but hopefull this new bike riding kick will keep it in check.

Pregnancy mood swings - present, but actually not nearly as bad as the PMS I used to get, so I am very happy.

Did you ever see the movie Kingpin? I am very very scared my boobs are going to end up looking like the landlady's after breastfeeding.

At 8:30 PM, Blogger Blondie said...

Snort. You guys are very descriptive--love it.

At 11:02 PM, Anonymous dorothy said...

Alas, the hair, it eventually falls out. Or maybe that's just my sour grapes because I went off the pill a few months ago and now appear to be going bald. Ahem.

Best of luck with your pregnancy glowing!

At 8:59 PM, Anonymous Nancy said...

Stretch marks? check (during pregnancy, and afterward... of course)

Skin tags? Check (had any of those yet? those are fun...)

Definitely had the bigger chest going on, and I really didn't need any help in that department. But my hubby certainly didn't mind that effect, either. ;-)

At 4:30 PM, Blogger Mignon said...

ARGH! Skin tags! I forgot about those - creeeepy, but luckily just in my armpit. And they went away, thankfully. I'd rather have pubes up and down my thighs than skin tags.

At 2:56 PM, Blogger Tink said...

Oy. That tennis ball in sock image will never leave my head now. Thanks. You guys are giving me so much to look forward to. ;)

At 11:57 PM, Blogger Tits McGee said...

Skin tags, stretch marks, boobs sagging to the waist, mad crazy mood swings, unbelievable ongoing indigestion, and the leg cramps - oh! the leg cramps!

But all of it 100% worth it every time I snuggle my little sweetie.

At 2:16 AM, Blogger The Big Pugawug said...

just wait until you have to pee every hour on the hour from dusk 'til dawn.

for the heartburn -- tums are a pregnant lady's best friend, also papaya enzyme tablets help with digestion.


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