Mean Girl to the Rescue!

How'm I gonna save the world when the world ain't ready?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Let the games begin!

OK, finally, the post you've all been waiting for: My Fugly Teen Years. Lest you think to yourself, These are not that bad, please note that I found more hideous snaps of my adolescence (including such hairdos as "The Flip," "The Pixie" and "The Latent Goth"), so there will be more schadenfreude to be had in the days to come. But for now ...

Yeah, let's get the really bad one out of the way (and thanks, Blogger, for not letting me upload these in the order I wanted to). This was taken at my brother's wedding (that's him on the right). I had recently drunk all the champagne at my table, at the insistence of my sister and her husband. Thanks, guys.
Glasses: check (I got contacts the following year)
Braces: check (also removed the following year)
Zits: hells, yeah!
Mullet, brown: check (began to dye hair 2 years later, at which point life began anew)
Hideous pink dress and matching pearls: check (chosen by my mother, no doubt)
Lee press-ons: check, times 10. My manicure rivals those of both Dolly Parton and Barbra Streisand. In your face, bitches!

My hair went through a curly stage during college. I believe this was the night I attended LaSalle University's Newspaper Cotillion, 1992. It was held in a hall not too far from the Arsenal, if I recall correctly, in Grand Old Northeast Philly. One of the guys we were with was a cop, and cleverly brought his gun along (thankfully, he locked it in the glove compartment of the car). I drank about 8 red devils that night, and was very sorry the following day. The dress was super-tacky, forest green velvet. I was showcasing the Freshman Ten (big shout-out to Ramen noodles!).

The Father/Daughter Dance, long a tradition in my Catholic high school; for some reason, I chose to wear a Willi Smith Little House on the Prairie-style dress that was 3 sizes too large, pinned up the back with safety pins, as if I were a third rate mannequin. Again, I see my mother's influence in the choice of jewelry: Laura Ingalls would never wear those pearls!

My sister's comment: "You know what everyone needs? A dress to make their hips look bigger!" Shamefully (shamelessly?), I wore this dress a second time to a formal event at my college (wacky Eastern art school). Of course, this event was also known for men dressed in drag, so no biggie, really. That living room furniture eventually migrated to my first apartment. Not the drapes, though, thank GOD.

Who's that hot lesbian in the front? Why, that's ME!

I'm sure everyone is familiar with in-between hair: not long, not short, just ... growing in. I think this was before I learned how to pluck my eyebrows. I also had a penchant for vintage, wool, itchy dresses, which I insisted on wearing to family gatherings. At least the hair is red by this time. My husband said it best in the subject line of the email containing these photos: NERDO!

More to come, including shots of me looking quite good, but I had to deliver the ugly first, as promised.


At 12:25 PM, Blogger Jess Riley said...

"Who's that hot lesbian in the front? Why, that's ME!"

Oh that made me laugh. Well, all of this made me laugh. Very brave of you!

And don't you hate how blogger doesn't let you upload pictures in the order you want? I've learned I have to do it backwards ...

At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Frau Doktor said...

Hello! This is my maiden voyage into commenting so please forgive me if I seem a little green. I just had to comment, though to vent my frustration - I can read the commentary, but I can't view the pictures because I am at work and when I click on them it says "Access Denied". I am DENIED. What a complete tease. The description are so good, I can almost picture it but not quite - Argh! Actually I was physically present for some of these events so my memory should serve me better than it is.

And for the record - you were NEVER a Nerdo... although I did quite enjoy the term.

Incidentally, about the grape soda post... I wanted to comment, also for the record, that I felt terribly sheepish about that. Thanks for being such a good sport!

At 12:34 PM, Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

Oh, snap! Well, Frau, you will just have to look at them at home, because (*I* admit sheepishly) you are in one of the photos. Think Ring Dance. I probably should have gotten your permission. Holler if you want me to excise you from this historical account of our adolescence!

I will email you the photos so you can see the atrocities for yourself!

P.S. I forgive you for the grape soda. I deserved it.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Arabella said...

Oh, these are great! But fear not--your natural cuteness shines through, even during adolescence.

How on earth did you get the Press-on Nails to stay on? I tried "MISS" Lee Press-on Nails for Teens, and still remember the commercial jingle(!), but even those wouldn't stay on.

Miss Lee Press-on Nails for Teens,
Smaller sizes is what you mean!
Just peachy....
Bubble gum....
Crushed grape!

(the above are shade names, and were spoken interspersed with cries of "awesome!" and other '80's-era exclamations)

Yes, I remember this, but not where I put my keys.

At 1:48 PM, Blogger MisterBaggins said...

dude - that first one... oh my god....
the last one... hubba hubba. You definitely blossomed into a beautiful woman.

At 2:21 PM, Blogger mama_tulip said...

I laughed so hard when I read your 'hot lesbian' comment that I almost woke up Oliver.

Thank you for sharing these, Mrs. H. I think everyone knows that everyone else has bad pics hidden away but it's nice to be reassured sometimes that we're not the only ones that do.

At 3:07 PM, Blogger No name said...

OMG - Replace your red hair with my naturally curly brown and we could pose for "switched at birth" photo-features!

This was validating (and yes, entertaining). I did not experience the awkward fashions and hair choices of the 1980's alone!

You are so cool.

At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Amanda B. said...

You are so beautiful. I am jealous. I pout now. ;)

At 3:14 PM, Blogger Katherine said...

Oh you're a brave bitch! I actually thought you looked gorgeous in the green velvet with the short curly hair. I too had Lee Press On nails!! Of course, they were so annoying I would only keep them on for a day.

At 3:57 PM, Blogger Tink said...

You ROCK! Oh man those were f'n great. I need to go dig out my coke-bottle glasses pictures for you. You deserve it. Now quick, show us more.

At 5:49 PM, Blogger wordgirl said...

You ARE brave...but not ugly. Just a fashion fatality like the rest of us. I'll have to send you a pic of me with my spikey hair. Plus the cruel artistry of the home perm that made me look awful.

At 7:50 PM, Anonymous Nancy said...

You are brave, and gorgeous -- in ALL the pics.

At 10:13 PM, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

I'm with looked quite lovely in the green velvet. And I'm very glad the drapes didn't migrate to your first apartment. Don't you love 80s fashions?!!

At 11:08 AM, Anonymous TB said...

So. Freaking. Awesome. I want to do this too and you have shown me that it's all okay because no matter how awkward the stage/hair/dress as long as you grew out of it, which you did so gracefully, it's okay to look back and laugh now.

At 1:21 PM, Blogger Mignon said...

That's not fair Mrs. H! You actually look cute in all your awkward fashion fugliness.
That one with your dad? Except for the tablecloth dress... so adorable!

(BTW - You can rearrange pictures by cutting and pasting the html for them in your post. The picture file name is embedded in the html so you can figure out which is which.)

At 9:27 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Dark dresses look good on you.

At 12:46 PM, Anonymous jen said...

I think you look awesome in the last one. wow. and pretty eyes.


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