Mean Girl to the Rescue!

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Thursday, February 02, 2006

Love to love you, dive bars

Tink was posting "missed connections" on her blog last week, and reading them reawakened me to the glory that is the "I Love You, I Hate You" column of the Philadelphia CityPaper.

This one caught my eye:

DIRTY FRANK'S SUCKS- The bartenders are stuck up and don't know how to make drinks! It blows. Your hot dogs are slimy and gross and we all know about your chips! Why is your beer so fucking warm and disgusting? Has the technology of refrigeration never made it to your barbaric world? Your doormen are racist assholes! If I have to hear Cyndi Lauper one more time I'm going to burn the place down. That will be the next time I have to spill a drink to get my boyfriend's attention because of those skimpy slutty outfits you stuck up bitches wear. Did I mention that the bartenders are racist assholes? And your bathrooms are nasty. And your beer is warm. And you suck.

Dirty Frank's is one of my favorite bars. Oh, it's a dive, all right. The barmaids have been there forever, and if they don't know you, you'll have a little wait to get served. I have seen people stick their money to their foreheads in an attempt to catch the barmaid's eye (it didn't work). But to me, that's half the fun of being there. I know the barmaids, so I get served. I feel comforted by the fact that the jukebox plays "Road to Nowhere" over and over, and by the fact that one of the bouncers is called Three-Finger Bill (for obvious reasons). And anyone who orders food there shouldn't complain: if you think it looks dirty in the photo, you ain't seen nothin'. They call it Dirty Frank's for a reason, people.

Another ad put the hatin' on my other favorite dive, McGlinchey's:

MCGLINCHEY'S- McGlincheys blows right out loud. Everyone who works there is either meaner than a barnyard dog or looks like one. Hello, did you ever consider turning on the smoke eaters or are they just X-mas decorations? And is playing a wannabe hipster bike courier a prerequisite for a doorman? By the way, wake up. Your jukebox is older than dirt (and not in a cool way).

Admittedly, The Glinch is a haven for the cooler-than-thou, but it has the saving grace of not being in NoLibs. And although it's a bit cleaner than Frank's, I shudder when I remember that I used to eat the (50 cent!) hot dogs there. By now, they're probably up to a dollar. But a McGlinchey's hot dog was a beautiful thing was I was young and poor.

Photo courtesy of


At 5:24 PM, Blogger Arabella said...

As you know, my favorite divey place is but a fond memory now. :(

When I was in law school, there was this divey bar that gave out free hot dogs. I never had a chance to go.

Up for another adventure sometime?

At 5:39 PM, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

Do people actually pay money to dis bars in the newspaper? Why, they do the same thing in a blog for free!

Dive bars are by far the best. Although I've never eaten at one. And I usually drink my beer out of the bottle, given the usual condition of the glasses.

At 5:39 PM, Anonymous Jess said...

I love dive bars, with their crappy service and questionable food. It's all about the atmosphere.

At 10:50 PM, Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

I've been to worse. I think dive bars are the way to go, greasy food, cheap beer and mean service. What more can you ask for?

At 12:06 AM, Blogger wordgirl said...

I wish we could all meet at a bar. All of us. And just drink ourselves silly.

At 8:19 AM, Blogger The Gradual Gardener said... the time & place, & I'm there!

At 10:19 AM, Anonymous TB said...

We have a few like Dirty Frank's in our neighborhood. My favorite is Beck Tavern. They don't have a kitchen, but they DO have a crockpot in the corner filled with hot dogs in greasy gray water. It's the best place I can think of for cheap happy hour beers.

At 11:03 AM, Blogger Tink said...

LOL Great post!

My town in KNOWN for it's dive bars. There's got to be over 20 in the down town area alone. I walked by one called "Tradewinds" one night and was visually assaulted by a group of Flamingo Women. They were dressed like Flamingo dancers. It wasn't Halloween.

At 2:18 PM, Blogger Arabella said...

Right on, Wordgirl!

At 3:04 PM, Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

Arabella, when you come visit, we will definitely go to Dirty Frank's.

But we will not eat their food. :)

At 3:22 PM, Blogger Arabella said...

Yay! Alcohol will kill any germs in the glasses, though. :)

At 2:33 PM, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I used to go to a place called the Wolftrap. Good times.

So, where are we all meeting?


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