Love to love you, dive bars

Tink was posting "missed connections" on her blog last week, and reading them reawakened me to the glory that is the "I Love You, I Hate You" column of the Philadelphia CityPaper.

This one caught my eye:

DIRTY FRANK'S SUCKS- The bartenders are stuck up and don't know how to make drinks! It blows. Your hot dogs are slimy and gross and we all know about your chips! Why is your beer so fucking warm and disgusting? Has the technology of refrigeration never made it to your barbaric world? Your doormen are racist assholes! If I have to hear Cyndi Lauper one more time I'm going to burn the place down. That will be the next time I have to spill a drink to get my boyfriend's attention because of those skimpy slutty outfits you stuck up bitches wear. Did I mention that the bartenders are racist assholes? And your bathrooms are nasty. And your beer is warm. And you suck.

Dirty Frank's is one of my favorite bars. Oh, it's a dive, all right. The barmaids have been there forever, and if they don't know you, you'll have a little wait to get served. I have seen people stick their money to their foreheads in an attempt to catch the barmaid's eye (it didn't work). But to me, that's half the fun of being there. I know the barmaids, so I get served. I feel comforted by the fact that the jukebox plays "Road to Nowhere" over and over, and by the fact that one of the bouncers is called Three-Finger Bill (for obvious reasons). And anyone who orders food there shouldn't complain: if you think it looks dirty in the photo, you ain't seen nothin'. They call it Dirty Frank's for a reason, people.

Another ad put the hatin' on my other favorite dive, McGlinchey's:

MCGLINCHEY'S- McGlincheys blows right out loud. Everyone who works there is either meaner than a barnyard dog or looks like one. Hello, did you ever consider turning on the smoke eaters or are they just X-mas decorations? And is playing a wannabe hipster bike courier a prerequisite for a doorman? By the way, wake up. Your jukebox is older than dirt (and not in a cool way).

Admittedly, The Glinch is a haven for the cooler-than-thou, but it has the saving grace of not being in NoLibs. And although it's a bit cleaner than Frank's, I shudder when I remember that I used to eat the (50 cent!) hot dogs there. By now, they're probably up to a dollar. But a McGlinchey's hot dog was a beautiful thing was I was young and poor.

Photo courtesy of http://paxromano.blogspot.com